dark_watchman

12:00 pm: Grades
Exam time...

It’s my OR exam later. I think I’m screwed, but then again I always say that…I’m usually right. So hopefully later will be a very pleasant and welcomed surprise. Not counting on it though.
I don’t really get why exams have to be harder than they should. I can get with the aiming for excellence thing, but risking ones academic future in a place that values grades above all else, where the odds are purposely stack against you just seems like it undermines the purpose of excellence. I mean, sure you may get high grades, and pat yourself on the back for a job well done, but it always begets the question whether you did it for grades or if you actually learned something.
Of course, Tanchoco doesn’t help things with his philosophy that grades tell you everything about a person. I definitely hate that thought.

01:56 pm: Chocolate Blues

02:35 pm: Seven and a half hours.
So my schedule made me have a break from 9am to 430pm. Every Tuesday and Thursday.

So here I am, just waiting. It's like I'm fated to have nice teachers, but an incredibly crappy sched. Ah, well, at least the Wi-Fi here in school is pretty fast.

07:47 pm: Broncos 24, Falcons 20
How can you say a team is just as determined as it is lucky?

By seeing them win despite having lost a crap load of regular players, and rallying against a decent team in the fourth quarter of an NFL game.

Add, a stubborn determination to not lose to my reasons to why I love the Denver Broncos.

07:16 pm: Not paying attention
I'm in LS100 right now, with a new laptop and internet connection. So yeah, I ain't listening...

I'm bored...

07:02 pm: The Bitch
There's this girl and she's kind of a...bitch.

She's kinda cold, especially when you've pissed her off.

She barely lets down her guard, only for the fangirling she seems to enjoy doing.

She can be obsessed. About anything. Mostly about hot guys...or girls. And TV shows. and the fuckin' Lakers.

She makes me feel like the most detested guy in the room.

She's not honest with me...Not so much a liar, but not being truthful.

Despite being "friends", lately I can't even get a decent conversation out of her.

I'm a wreck because of her...But wanna hear something funny?

I'm crazy about her.

06:55 pm: The Priest Does Not Exist
Anti-Catholicism is fun. It really is. I mean I'm not an Atheist but it is amusing to see how blind Catholic faith can get. On a side note, I'm really getting flustered with theology. I mean I understand that people see religion as a way to fill the holes in their lives but c'mon, religion makes people make their own holes. Not to mention that theology looks to impose their so called truth upon everyone. Jeez...If it were the absolute truth they were teaching, then I wouldn't be complaining. Everyone would accept it as a truth beyond contestation. The reality is there are people that just don't buy into this bullshit.

Wow, anti-religious ranting, hehehe... Anyway, this story is actually one I found in my old Christian Living class. I just...tweaked the ending.

( The Priest Does Not Exist )

06:56 pm: Sunday
This is a poem, which is actually the English translation of the Japanese song, "Sunday" by the BabySTARS.

It's not exact, I changed some of the words 'coz I thought they'd sound better. This was good practice for Japanese class.

( Sunday )

10:26 am: The Tale of The Noble Azure Knight
I've decided to turn my journal into a place to keep my stories. So for now, this will be an archive for my writings.

This first one is something I recently wrote. It took about 30 minutes...

( The Tale of the Noble Azure Knight (An Atenean Fairy Tale) )

07:55 am: SEM Break Day 1...
Alright, SEM Break…It feels good to finish my first term of college.

To be honest though, the build-up to the break has been hell. I couldn’t update this thing ‘coz of all the deadlines I had to meet. Oh well, I guess that’s college.

The one thing I never thought I’d do was worry about Math. It’s been the most life shortening class I’ve taken. What makes it worse is that I need a C or more if I want to graduate. I really don’t know why I’m having trouble. Maybe it’s karma or something, I don’t know. I don’t believe in karma anyway…Ack, I’m in deep trouble. First time in my life ever that I actually fear that I’m gonna fail.

Next term, I swear I’ll make Dean’s List…Until then, I better enjoy my respite. I really think I need it…

Peace out...

03:58 pm: :Sigh:
Ever since I came back from UP last Saturday, I haven't been feeling like myself. I really don't know what it is, but everytime I go to UP I feel this sense of being overwhelmed. No offence or anything, there is just an "aura" around it.

Anyways, any of you guys ever feel that the world is against you? Lately it seems that my life has been a little off. It's like everyone is going on with their life, but I'm here lying on the ground watching the sun go across the sky. I'm exhausted, I'm probably also a little paranoid. Maybe I just need to get some sleep.

One last thing: I have to ask YOU...Do like me or do you hate me? Either way, it's gonna be one hell of a problem.

04:23 pm: A Depressing Crisis...
Am I worth something? I've been asking myself that question for the month. I wasn't in the mood to update my journal because of it. I don't know what it is. I just feel out of it.

There are days when I just lie down, and try to figure out the great riddle that is my perception of me. I have come to quite a few intriguing conclusions. I like being a bit weird. Whether that is a good or bad thing, I think it is up to each one to decide. I can laugh at funerals or really sad situations, not because I mock them, but because I believe you should be able to laugh at life’s little cheap shots. I like being nice, simply because it is the right thing to do. I can be clumsy, but at the same time I am athletic. I speak out of context, either because I was not paying attention to the conversation or I just want to see other people’s reactions.

Sometimes, I am too serious for my own good. I know a thing or two about obsession. I know heartbreak a little too well. I am usually perceived as an “enjoy life” type, but in truth, I consider myself an introvert. Even when I am surrounded with friends and no matter how many people are around me, somewhere in the deep, dark corners of my soul, I still feel alone.

My stay in Ateneo has made me think of whether I'm worth anything. I've failed every endeavour I've taken up. I'm seriously doubting myself.

I really do not have anything worth to offer. I do not have great inherent intelligence like some of my peers. I also do not have the will to work hard like the others. I tend to be indifferent about exams. I don't hear the calling of the medical world my friend, nor do I see myself a businessman, like my blockmates in Management Engineering. I do not have any talent for music or art and I probably won’t have a career as a professional athlete. I am definitely staying away from law and politics. I don't even have proper posture no matter how much my mom nags at me.

I envy those that know for sure what they can do. I do not have any advantages, no edge in life except maybe an incorruptible stubbornness, and the fact I care for my friends and family more than I care for myself, if I can even consider that a good thing.

I also envy those who know what they want to do. I really do. I envy the my Taft friends. I envy my UP friends. I envy my Ateneo friends.

Maybe they can do something great, while I stay behind.

Was I a good friend back in La Salle? I dunno. Not anymore. I don't know anymore.

So I ask again...Am I worth anything?

03:19 pm: Very Bad Day...
Failed my Math Long Test...

I gotta handle the money for my Filipino class...

Essay due tomorrow...

Thinking about just sleeping in for the rest of my life...

I'm feeling very worthless now...

On a lighter note this is what my Tennis coach had to say about some of the answers to our midterm...

1) Carlos Agassi is not the same as Andre Agassi...

2) Vanessa Williams sings, not plays tennis...thats Venus Williams...

3) B1 and B2 are not the top doubles team...

Peace out...

06:51 pm: I Hate You...
Something I wrote back in Senior year...I just need to vent...

I HATE YOU...

I hate you.

I hate it when you look at me…
(Because my heart stops, and you make me think that everything I do will look stupid to you. I have to work hard to stay calm, cool and collected. It’s hard having to do that everyday, because we saw each other almost everyday.)

I hate it when you talk to me…
(Because I have to plan everything I have to say, I mean, you have any idea how many sleepless nights I’ve had just thinking about what to say to you the next day?
And yet, when I see you, I can’t help but stay quiet, and all my plans go down the drain.)

I hate it when you touch me…
(Because my heart beats faster, my stomach numbs, my hands feel colder, and my face feels hotter.)

I hate it when you say you miss me/like me/care for me…
(Because I know I’ll never get the nerve to say it back.)

I hate it when you’re with another guy…
(Because I become jealous, and I know it’s wrong. Hell, most of the guys you’re with are my friends. It’s because of the mental and emotional torment that it puts me through, knowing I’ll never be with you.)

I hate it when you smile…
(Because it makes me smile, it makes me look at you and think about you.)

Most of all, I hate you because you make me hate myself…
(Because, deep down, I know I don’t hate you. Heck, I think I even like you.)
Everyday, those little things that make me melt inside, the laughs, the memories, the smile. It took me too long too realize it.

Now that it’s over, I look back with regret.

What was I suppose to say?

“I hate you,” no I couldn’t say that, I shouldn’t say that. I know it’s not true.

“I like you,” hmmm, yeah that’s the one. It’s too late now, I guess…

Still dazed and confused because of you, why can’t I get you out of my head?

I’ll tell you this, though, I like the hell you give me…Heh, I hate that too…

01:25 pm: St. Ignatius Day...
It's St. Ignatius Day...

No classes for Ateneo, yey!

But I am bored out of my skull.

"New Avengers 22" is still not out. Damn...

Hey if I could ask a question...Would any of you go out with your best friend's ex?

I'm just asking...

Peace out...

08:06 pm: First Worst Day...
First off, I got my computer back. It was infected and the system had to be reformatted. Upside is it's back, upgraded and all.

Anyway, back to why today is the "First Worst Day"...

ME students need an average of C in their first two long tests in Math 18 to be retained in the course. I'm in Math 21, so it's not my concern. My block, T4, has 27 students. After today, only 24 remain. Three of my blockmates were dropped today. (Incidentally, they were all taught by the same teacher.) It was seriously depressing, everyone else passed, but we were in no mood to eat during lunch. The halls of Sec-A had a heavy air to it.

After that, the list of finalists for "Sagala ng mga Sikat" was posted. T4 didn't make it...

I call it the "First Worst Day" beacuse it's only the 5th week of Freshman year. I've a bad, almost foreboding feeling that there's gonna be a lot more of them.

Damn, now, I'm all emo and angsty...

04:00 pm: Something's wrong...
I don't think it's serious, but I feel that somewhere, somthing is out of place...

Heh...

Last night, I went to Reg's despidida. No alcohol for me since I had to drive. It's amazing really, to see how people act when they're drunk and you're sober.

On another note, I hated being the only Atenean there. If ever I have to go to another mostly Taft party, I'm bringing a load of Ateneans with me.

Good luck in New York Reg!!!

Peace out...

10:20 am: Disappointing...
Well, final selections are done and I didn't make the team. It's really a kick to the psyche. I mean I played badly. I'm not surprised I miss the cut. Now, I've got one year away from scholastic tennis...Oh well, there's always next year. But still, this reminds me way to much of high school. Maybe, I have to completely change how I see tennis. I think it shouldn't just be my sport or hobby anymore. It has to be my passion, possibly even my obsession. Heh, I'm good at obsessing.

Ahhh, still one year. What the heck can I do until the next tryouts...

Meanwhile, I need to find housing. It's too much of a hassle to drive to and from Ateneo.

10:25...2 hours before I have to meet my block. I can't believe I'm in the school library on a Saturday.

Peace out...

03:25 pm: 2 weeks...
Just an update...for the sake of updating.

I FEEL SICK (and it's only been the second week...)

I'm in the final round of tryouts for the men's tennis team.

I've learned never to take advanced placement exams. I mean, a week and a half of calculus, without a shred of precal, is just wrong.

Me and my blockmates had our first gimmick together. "Cars" was actually very good.

I am officialy back into comics.

Always read the stuff you have to read. Today, I just experienced my first surprise quiz, and I had absolutely no answers. Zip. Nada.

Can you believe I'm the Filipino 11 beadle for my block? That's after finding out I wasn't going to be demoted to Fil 10 for doing so badly on the diagnostic test.

"High School Musical" rocks...Seriously...

So far, so good. I can now call myself Atenean.

Peace out...

06:19 pm: My First Day...
Okay before talking about today, I just have to say what happened last week during ORSEM. It was the usual stuff at first, meeting your block, meeting the admin, and running around the campus to tour it.

On the last day, we had a 4 hour concert to celebrate the coming of freshmen.

The ones who played were:
-Blue Fields
-Dicta-Liscense(?)
-Rivermaya
-Urbandub
-Parokya ni Edgar
-Hush
-Spongecola
-Kamikazee

Heh, fun, and even if you feel "Narda" is overplayed, it's different listening to it live.

Enrollment was easy. Well, for me, since I finished in the morning. It's all luck of the draw.

Katipunan is great.

Anyway, today was the first day, and it was alright. It's not to heavy yet. Hell, my sked isn't heavy in the first place.

Met some good profs. Our Physics prof doesn't give final exams, and our English/Lit prof is pretty nice. But my math prof, er, he thinks that since we're in Advanced Placement, we know all the pre-cal stuff already. Damn, should've listened to Sir Xybert. Ahhh, The Da Vinci Code is easier to understand than differential calculus.

Hmmm, oh, and on June 24, 7 AM, it's Men's Tennis Team try-outs. So here's hoping I make it. Maybe, I can practice on Friday if there're no classes.

I've got good blockmates and my classes seem simple enough. If I make the team, I think I'm gonna start to enjoy Ateneo.

Peace out...